This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
