If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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