Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
