If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
