when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
pop tarts are not kleenex
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
