drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
