Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
