What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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