god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
