It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
