You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
please don't ironically join a cult
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