just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize