Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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