If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
