I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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