I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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