Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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