eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Too much gin, very little bucket
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I touched a dick in church today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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