I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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