Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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