i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize