beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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