sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize