you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
