Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
