sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize