Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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