we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
