You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
