im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
