I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
