i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Holy sore nipples Batman
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
