dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
