I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
