What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize