Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
