What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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