I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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