in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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