my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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