id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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