i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
