I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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