this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
