Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
