You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
