sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
being pregnant is like rehab
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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