I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
