Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
