Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
