I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
