He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize