hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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