is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
