you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
