she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
