I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The struggles of a small town man whore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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