The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize