I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
