Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
