The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
