I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
