The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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