oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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