I want to make a zoo with you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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