ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
