I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
