if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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