im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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